If you read this, thanks. Because it honestly makes me feel like I got my word out somehow.
Honestly, fuck it. I know I’ve said this many times. Too many times I can even remember. There is a lot of shit on my plate, and frankly, I am getting closer and closer to my breaking point. The more and more I try to “work on myself,” like people say I should..I just see myself fail constantly. I feel like people don’t understand me, and 90% of the time they don’t. When I say to others, ” I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. I don’t feel worthy. I feel like a waste of air.” I fucking mean it. I am not just sitting here, talking out of my ass hoping that someone will pity me. I am being fucking serious. I need help. I need someone to just be there and tell me it’s going to be okay. Not that fake shit, but like a sincere “It’s going to be okay.” But it doesn’t fucking help that when I say it, people retort with “Oh you’re just crying out for attention.” Ok asshole, maybe I fucking am. Crying out for someone to save me from the murderer I am slowly turning myself into. I have tired to save myself countless times, and I have attempted to be stronger. But each time, I fail. I feel like I’m going in fucking circles. I get it, other people have it harder than I am. I FUCKING GET IT. So stop rubbing it in my face like I’m some selfish twit. I know others have it harder. WAY HARDER. And I think I speak for all who are undergoing the same feelings I am that WE FUCKING KNOW IT. But have they ever once tried to stop and think, “Hmm I wonder what it’s like to live one day of their life. I wonder what it is that makes them feel this way.” No. I have yet to see this. All they fucking do is boast how much this life has to offer us, yet they can’t take a second to think of what exactly is going on in our lives. My life is fucking hard. Many other peoples’ lives are fucking hard. Take a second and put yourself in their shoes and maybe…JUST MAYBE.. you might get why we hate ourselves, why we cut, why we contemplate suicide as our last option. I will be honest. I know I am pretty, at times in the right light. But do I really feel pretty? No. Do I feel worth someone’s time? No. Do I feel like it will never get better? No. Do I feel like this is just how my life is and how it always will be? Yes. I literally have NOTHING going for me. I may have a job yes, but is it a great job? No. I can’t even pay for myself. I have been given so many empty promises of a promotion. They dangled a carrot in my face to make the horse work a little harder and then they take it away. I have been working at this job for 2 years already and everytime we need a new supervisor, which is the position im trying to get promoted in, they HIRE SOMEONE NEW. What the fuck? Are you serious? I know the fucking job like the back of my hand and you give it to someone who has been shopping with us for years? Someone who has never even cashed out a register? Trust me, I want to fucking quit. I wish I could walk in and say, “Fuck you and this job. I’m out. And by the way, your hair looks like someone took a shit on your head and smeared it.” But I can’t, since this is the only job I can have to pay for my gas and some of the bills I have. As for family. I fucking hate them. Every fucking day they boast about how much fucking better my cousins are doing and how I have nothing going for me. All I ask is for some mother fucking support. Is that too much to fucking ask for? I mean shit, I didn’t. But apparently, I was wrong. I know I am a college dropout. I get it. I didnt get into yale or harvard like my cousins did. But guess what? COLLEGE ISN’T FOR EVERYONE. And frankly, I think if you can manage to get a great paying job without going to college, You have won the game of life. It’s like you just made the idea, “going to college will bring you more money,” implode. And if you have, I applaud you. As for me. Bringing up others achievements then looking at me like “you should do that same,” makes me feel like shit. Thanks family, I thought families were supposed to support one another, not fucking alienate the ones you feel are inadequate around you. I’m not good enough to be in “your” family because I don’t have this huge fucking scholarship? Or because I didn’t make the choice you wanted me to? Fuck you is all I have to say to that. When it comes to love and relationships, I could go on for fucking days. I don’t ask for much. But then again, it seems like I am, since everytime I tell people what I’m looking for they are all like, “I totally get you I want that too, but I am really just wanting a fuck buddy.” What the fuck? What do I ask for? Simple. Someone that I can just look at and not have to question whether they still love or care about me. I will just know the moment I look at them. Someone who will stay beside me through it all and remind me how much I do matter. And help me learn how to learn myself and love life. But no, it seems all men are just wanting their dicks to be sucked. Is it too much for them to understand the meaning of the word, “no?” I mean seriously. Where does it sound like “yes?” IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH LETTERS TO BE YES. IT CANT EVEN BE MADE INTO A YES..I don’t fucking know. I am just sick of being made to be the second option. Being told I’m not worthy enough to be in a relationship with. Just good enough for a quick fuck. You know how shitty that makes me feel. I feel so worthless.So low in comparison to other people. Why can’t people just want the same thing? Sure, I’m sure there is someone out there who is looking for the same thing as me. But I’m tired of having to go through countless men and women whom either act like people are fresh meat to fuck or are too scared of commitment. I don’t know honestly I’m going to stop talking about this subject before I explode.
In conclusion however. Why do they think it’s okay to do this? Why must people question our problems and our ways of solving them?All I ask is to take a second and think. Think of how you would feel in their shoes before you quickly tell them they are crying out for attention, asking for pity, and are cowards. Cause remember, some are just wanting support. Whether it be through love, words, or thoughtful actions. We all in the end, just want someone to show us that there is someone who actually understands us and cares. Will we ever see that? Unfortuantely, neither myself nor others know the answer to this question. One day we will.
And I will leave it at that.